For whatever reasons and I am sure you can all understand why mine have changed in the last while, we all have different levels of religious belief. So I ask you on the eve of this wonderful holiday (the Jewish new year), what do you pray for. Some of you may pray more than others, harder than others (if there is such a thing), more religiously than others??? Some of you may pray to other G-ds and some may not pray at all. I do know if you read this blog that you are a friend of mine or have Daniel and our family in your thought and that means that you believe in our well being, religion or no religion. My prayer this year is very layered but first and foremost it is for Daniel to be inscribed in the Book of Life, and not just for this year but for many, many years. I want him to not have to fight for his life but to have an easy life and make his way like every other child that is healthy. Let him have normal struggles that all typical healthy kids have. This past year has made us put so much in perspective that it has amazed me how much everyone takes for granted. It is true that tragedy has to strike to make you realize this. It is pulling a family apart to and testing our strength to the end, but we will prevail I am sure of it. And in the end I hope we will never look back at the way things were and how we so easily lived not appreciating every moment for what it was. I will also pray for peace. Peace on a global scale for one. I sit in our little room at The Children's Hospital and don't read the newspaper or have the time or attention for the internet news and only get snippits from online mostly and breaking news updates if they occur when the tv is rarely on, but I know things in Israel are not good as well as other areas in the world. I pray for the Jewish people to have a peaceful new year and a peaceful life in their rightful homeland. I pray for peace in my family. This I have not seen in a very long time. It maybe longer than Israel has been at war actually. I like to be the peacemaker in the family and have not been able to do anything while I am in the hospital. On this holiday we would have had an excuse to come together , and yes everyone would have hated every minute of it, but I would make dinner ad be Switzerland and it would be done for another year. But instead we are hear and it didn't happen. Not just my family but other families too need to put things behind them and realize that time is too short and and even though so and so and so and so (insert your own names) can't stand each other... you know you all have this to some extent in your family, that other members are missing so much because of it. We need to find it within ourselves to not hate so much and not hold grudges. It sets bad examples for our children and grandchildren and the children truly are the ones that learn by example. I know Matthew may not show it but I believe he is not doing well with out family and company. He appears to not enjoy being around the family when they are around but I know he is needing the time and nurturing he is not getting and it is hurting so bad to see him shuffled around like he needs to be right now. Family and nurturing makes the heart healthy and strong and is needed to grow. If the family is not providing this then we need to go elsewhere. I am grateful for the family I have, but when I can't have them as a connected unit I thank G-d every second for giving me the supportive friends I have. Lastly I ask for peace within myself. Believe it or not this has actually come easier than peace in the family. And it has come by just surrendering to the process. Everything this year has been stripped from my control and for those of you that know me I am a grade A control freak. I am black and white, anal retentive, list making in my sleep unadulterated uptight- at least I was. How about two shots of cancer to slap the shit out of that theory? You know that saying "Make plans and G-d laughs" well G-d must have really thought I was one that needed a challenge because sometimes I lie on my pullout bed at night listening to beeping machines and pretend I am floating in a lagoon on my back (for some reason I have long blonde hair and a white nightgown, but we won't go there). It is my metaphor for surrendering to it all. I have come to terms with the idea that there is not a damn thing I can do about any of this. I know for a fact that I didn't want any of this. I didn't cause my sister to have cancer nor did she. I certainly didn't do anything for Daniel to get sick, believe me, I have gone down that road asking for forgiveness and what did I do to deserve this. I know if there was anything I could do to make it better I would but I can't. It has taken a great deal to realize this and there is no amount of consolation that can help equal the amount of pain I feel that nothing can be done. I know that it is just a fact. It is a fact of life and a fact of his life. There have been so many things that we will have to deal with throughout his life over his life. Losses that will hurt badly for a lifetime but then I have to remember that there will be his lifetime to enjoy them. Then I look at him and I see him and hope that he is at peace with all of this. I don't know. He looks at it through a boys eyes. I thank G-d he looks at his whole future ahead of him. He has big plans and I am grateful for that. I thank G-d for every second, and every breath and this year I will be selfish and not just ask for one more year for him to be inscribed in the book of life but a long lifetime. So I wish all of you reading, a very sweet and moreso a happy and very healthy new year to you and your family, because nothing is more important than that.
2 Comments
Mom
9/24/2014 01:47:02 pm
I love you and sure wish we were there for the family more than we are. See you soon. Family is the most important but health comes first. Daniel is a fighter and you his mother is strong to get him thru this. With the help of God. We will ALL get thru this terrible year.
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mandy
9/25/2014 11:06:17 pm
A happy and healthy new year to you all.
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