Im on the Down Lo
So it has been a tough couple of days for me. I have been on an emotional low to say the very least. I never would have thought that leaving Daniel at school would have been so hard for me, but it has. I have had a lot of time to think these past few days and I am realizing that the separation anxiety that Daniel had when he was so sick is what I am having now that he is getting so well. And that makes me realize that this is just perfectly normal and I need to just embrace it and enjoy that he is back to pretty much normal. I don’t know if that is making it easier but it is helping put it in perspective I guess. This must be part of realizing that this is the other side of the door and that we are almost on the other side. Almost, but not quite. I haven’t been able to see that we are past the threshold yet.
I have filled my time with walking and unfortunately eating and talking a lot with my sister who is wrapped up in her own medical mess. She continues her fight with some more loose ends that she needs to follow up on and as I support her from a distance I can’t help but also feel the loss of not being able to be with her during any of her fight. I know she understands I can’t be there but it is hard for me nonetheless knowing that I can’t be there to help her or moreso to keep any of this from ever have happened to her in the first place. So to make time pass I distract her by trying to make her laugh with absurdities of my many blunders and moment to moment happenings of Daniel, but mostly we talk about the notion of a sister trip we have talked about for years that keeps us giggling and planning for hours. In reality is likely to never happen due to financial means and time constraints but it does keep us going. It has for years and I suspect it will keep being a topic for discussion that keeps us chattering until we are old ladies (G-d willing).
Thursday came and I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. I saw on Facebook that a high school friend had been diagnosed with cancer. After a few messages and texts I come to find out it is Leukemia and although not exactly like Daniel’s it is similar. Today I find out more details and she will need a bone marrow transplant which deep down brings me greater hope for ultimately a full cure for her. But as I saw her send updates with information and everyone’s well wishes and reactions I found that I have been crying since Thursday for her and for us and for everyone going through what she will go through and I read her words about where she is at today and it is word for word where we were at. I know everyone is different and each case is different but the numbers are all kind of the same. It is all sort of the same road map and I have found myself walking and crying, and driving and crying and showering and crying and sitting and crying these past few days as it is all washing over me just what has happened. I don’t know why now. I don’t know if this friend’s diagnosis triggered it. I don’t know if Daniel going back to school and me seeing that we are on our way back to our lives that triggered it but this sudden rush of a massive wave of realization of just how bad it was or how much we have been through just hit like a big slap in the face. I am not sure how to shake it. I thought maybe walking it off would help and as I got about 15 minutes in I thought I would keep going like Forrest Gump but instead just started crying on the path plus it was hot and I realized I am really in bad shape so I turned around and drove home. Then I ended up just eating most of the few days home, which isn’t going to do anybody any good. I am in a real funk and although I honestly do realize it is a good place to be in because it is because Daniel is well enough to fly on his own, it is because he is leaving me in his dust. OMG what the hell am I going to do when both boys leave for college. Hmm, maybe then I will have time to go on my sister’s trip.
So it has been a tough couple of days for me. I have been on an emotional low to say the very least. I never would have thought that leaving Daniel at school would have been so hard for me, but it has. I have had a lot of time to think these past few days and I am realizing that the separation anxiety that Daniel had when he was so sick is what I am having now that he is getting so well. And that makes me realize that this is just perfectly normal and I need to just embrace it and enjoy that he is back to pretty much normal. I don’t know if that is making it easier but it is helping put it in perspective I guess. This must be part of realizing that this is the other side of the door and that we are almost on the other side. Almost, but not quite. I haven’t been able to see that we are past the threshold yet.
I have filled my time with walking and unfortunately eating and talking a lot with my sister who is wrapped up in her own medical mess. She continues her fight with some more loose ends that she needs to follow up on and as I support her from a distance I can’t help but also feel the loss of not being able to be with her during any of her fight. I know she understands I can’t be there but it is hard for me nonetheless knowing that I can’t be there to help her or moreso to keep any of this from ever have happened to her in the first place. So to make time pass I distract her by trying to make her laugh with absurdities of my many blunders and moment to moment happenings of Daniel, but mostly we talk about the notion of a sister trip we have talked about for years that keeps us giggling and planning for hours. In reality is likely to never happen due to financial means and time constraints but it does keep us going. It has for years and I suspect it will keep being a topic for discussion that keeps us chattering until we are old ladies (G-d willing).
Thursday came and I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. I saw on Facebook that a high school friend had been diagnosed with cancer. After a few messages and texts I come to find out it is Leukemia and although not exactly like Daniel’s it is similar. Today I find out more details and she will need a bone marrow transplant which deep down brings me greater hope for ultimately a full cure for her. But as I saw her send updates with information and everyone’s well wishes and reactions I found that I have been crying since Thursday for her and for us and for everyone going through what she will go through and I read her words about where she is at today and it is word for word where we were at. I know everyone is different and each case is different but the numbers are all kind of the same. It is all sort of the same road map and I have found myself walking and crying, and driving and crying and showering and crying and sitting and crying these past few days as it is all washing over me just what has happened. I don’t know why now. I don’t know if this friend’s diagnosis triggered it. I don’t know if Daniel going back to school and me seeing that we are on our way back to our lives that triggered it but this sudden rush of a massive wave of realization of just how bad it was or how much we have been through just hit like a big slap in the face. I am not sure how to shake it. I thought maybe walking it off would help and as I got about 15 minutes in I thought I would keep going like Forrest Gump but instead just started crying on the path plus it was hot and I realized I am really in bad shape so I turned around and drove home. Then I ended up just eating most of the few days home, which isn’t going to do anybody any good. I am in a real funk and although I honestly do realize it is a good place to be in because it is because Daniel is well enough to fly on his own, it is because he is leaving me in his dust. OMG what the hell am I going to do when both boys leave for college. Hmm, maybe then I will have time to go on my sister’s trip.