Maybe I should write a blog in the morning when I am fresh(er) and not raveged by the day. My apologies.
Well, I guess today was not the day, or this, was not our week to start cutting back on anti viral meds. Instead of Daniel's CMV count being cut in half like we wanted it doubled. SHIT. I actually started to cry at the hospital when the nurse told me today. Damn it. She quietly assured me that it was okay and not that unusual. This virus takes a long time to completely go away and that this increase is,really not significant. They need to see at least a 3 fold increase to make a change in treatment and this is not anything alarming and they actually consider it as no real change. more of a trend. Hmm, that is two weeks rising and one more week and,a trend becomes a pattern. Crap, crap, crap. I am so upset. Disheartened. Again I am always looking forward to moving ahead and closer to getting better and all I can think about is the potential of what may be coming. This is coinciding with me trying to get ready to go away for a weekend for my niece's Bat Mitzvah. I am so anxious about leaving already and although I know nothing is happening quickly I anticipate it all happening at once. He got really sick for the first time when I was in Toronto last year so maybe it is my mind playing tricks on me. I am not superstitious at all, and the last thing I can afford to do is become a pessimist, but man at this point I think I am hitting a wall. I know we are very far from DONE with this year of transplant upkeep or maintenance or whatever you want to call it, but I so thought I was over the hump. I know we are bast the scariest part but I want to just move on to a bit more normalcy. I know I sound like a broken record. I know it is not as life threatening as it was, but there seems to me there is no moving on. We are in such a rut. The monotony of labor intensive days are wearing on us and this hit came as a tough blow. I know I need to trust the Doctors and Nurses that know what they are doing, but they are not the mom.
Maybe I should write a blog in the morning when I am fresh(er) and not raveged by the day. My apologies.
2 Comments
mom and dad
4/1/2015 01:06:54 pm
Nadine. Hang in there . You will both make it to the end of this long journey. Shine and the world will glow. You are both very strong with all the support around you.
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Anna
4/3/2015 09:52:27 am
Never apologize - we just wish we could take some of this frustration away for you. Hang in there!
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